that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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