why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
