I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
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