Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
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If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
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I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?