first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.