The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
