so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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