My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Randomize
