I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
