my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
