So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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