I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
