I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?