how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!