Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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