so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I AM VODKA MAN
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
