and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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