When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
