Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
