I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
