you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
