my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
