Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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