What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
