Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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