On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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