You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
what day is it and did you see me today?
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
