dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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