i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
