My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
