dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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