bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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