i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
