In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
