I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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