I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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