My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
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