We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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