She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Bang-toberfest begins!!
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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