I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
