There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
