Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
