i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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