I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
