I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
