She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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