My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Randomize
