I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
