My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
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