its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
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