I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
