ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
