at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
