So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
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