This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
His nipple licking is glorious
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