I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
