someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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