He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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