..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
