my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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