I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
