I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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